Or Why You Need to Let Go of Your Dream of an Ideal Mother
If you are struggling to come in terms with your story, and healing your wounds from a toxic relationship with your narcissistic mother is still a dream, then, this article is for you.
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– Haven't I told you not to marry him? But you never listen! You think you're so smart you don't need your head!
– You always know how to stick a finger into the wound. You're hurting me, mother, can't you see?
– Nonsense, you're too sensitive! Just listen to me, I know what's best for you.
As kids, we loved our mums more than anything in the world, and all we wanted was for them to love us back. We not only needed their love to survive but to learn how to love, respect and take care of ourselves – the essential skills for our happiness as adults.
We couldn't understand why they ignored our feelings or criticized everything we did. Or, why they were moody and unpredictable, angry at the entire world that didn't treat them the way they deserved. So, we never had the chance to comprehend why couldn't they be warm and kind to us – all we wanted was their unconditional love.
We became confused and worried that something was fundamentally wrong with us. I'm unlovable became a belief that many of us took into our adult relationships.
As grownups, we still try to earn our mother's love and acceptance – we study hard hoping that good education will make them proud. We help everyone who wants our help and often build our carriers around helping others.
Despite feeling small and unimportant every time we're with our moms, we keep coming back driven by guilt, obligation and hope that one day they might change and become mothers we want them to be.
Sounds familiar?
One Way to Get Stuck
How do I know? I've been there, too.
Since the beginning of my recovery, new memories have started to resurface. These memories continuously add colourful stokes to complete the entire picture of my childhood.
As little, I was often sick and couldn't stay in kindergarten, so Mum had to take free from work and studies, sometimes for weeks. The episode I'm going to tell you about happened when I was about 4 or 5 years old. Mum and I were on the way home from a doctor's office. I remember looking up at her – she was tall and beautiful, I thought. So I said: "You're the most beautiful Mum in the world."
And Mum said … nothing.
Sadness, shame and guilt of that experience survived through the time somewhere in the depth of my emotional brain. I was longing for a closer connection with my beloved mother, for a kind word or even sight. What I got was triumphant silence.
Looking back at my healing, I realized that at some point, I was stuck because I couldn't give up the hope for Mum to change into a beautiful, kind woman I wanted her to be. I was a psychologist, for God's sake, how come I couldn't help her to transform and show her best!
This hope kept me stuck until Mum's memories became devoured by her illness and my desire for a change disappeared like a morning haze in the sun.
I had to mourn her even though she was still alive.
The story did not end there, but I couldn't have known that.
Change is Yours to Make
If you want to move on with your healing, you must accept this:
- the only person you have the power to change is you
- your mother's growth is up to her; and if she chooses to stay the self-absorbed, controlling, difficult person she is, let her. Let go and move on.
Accepting this and grieving the loss of the mother you've never had, and the childhood you're not allowed to experience will get you unstuck. And here's why.
There're 5 stages of grieving developed by Dr Elisabeth Kübler-Ross to describe the loss in a traditional way, for example when someone dies or loses her health: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Karyl McBride, PhD and author of a bestselling book Will I ever be good enough? suggested rearranging these stages to use them for recovery from growing up with a narcissistic mother.
I agree with her suggestion, except for details. Here's how I see it.
Stages of Grief for Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents
DENIAL
To survive as children, we had to deny the reality that our mothers couldn't give us unconditional love. But we desperately needed it to survive and grow – denial was necessary to keep us alive.
If you still can't believe that your mother doesn't have what you need, you have to begin to see reality, regardless of how scary it seems. You will soon realize that nobody can give what they don't have, so there's nothing to expect – it’s time to let go.
BARGAINING
Same here, I'm afraid.
"Yes, mummy, I'll do as you say but please, speak with me." (I can't stand the silence.)
"Yes, mum, I get it. If I ever again want to marry someone, I'll ask your opinion first." (Please, stop blaming me for the fiasco of my first marriage.)
We've been bargaining with our narcissistic mothers as long as any of us remember, replaying past confrontations in our minds, unable to fall asleep. Or pleading with them "life" and losing again, feeling ashamed and frustrated.
"We have been wishing and hoping that they will change, they will be different the next time we need them. We have tried many things over the years to win their love and approval." – Karyl McBryde
The next stage is necessary to put an end to this denial and bargain.
ACCEPTANCE
Acceptance must come after you figure out the problem and see the reality's ugly face. Realizing that your mother has limited capacity for love and empathy is hard to swallow, I agree, although this is the only way to end denial and bargain and learn how to own, feel and process your feelings.
It's going to take time, but without acceptance, you won't be able to heal. Sorry.
ANGER
"I'm so angry with my family" is a common statement. And most of us don't like to be angry – they taught us to smile, no matter how we felt. Anger was a forbidden feeling for us to show and feel.
They didn't recognize or dismissed our feelings and emotional needs – no wonder, we are angry with our mothers! But we are also mad at ourselves – why didn't we say no and stopped the abuse or neglect long ago? Why are we stuck in this foggy misery instead of enjoying our lives?
DEPRESSION
"We feel intense sadness that we have to let go of the hope for and the vision of the kind of parent we wanted. We realize that they will never be as loving as we want them to be. We feel like orphans or un-parented children. We let go of all expectations. We grieve the loss of the vision of these expectations." – Karyl McBride
She Did Her Best, But It Wasn't Good Enough
Remember that moving away or going without contact will, at best, only give you temporary relief. What you need is internal work, and only you can do it.
However, without acceptance, you will be stuck in denial, hoping for a miracle. First, when you recognize that your mother doesn't have what you're longing for, you will be able to process feelings of anger, depression and loss. Finally, you can take the next step toward your healing.
Grieving is a process and acceptance is the key.
"Remember that recovery is about you. It is not about what you are doing with your narcissistic parents. That comes later when you have done your own work. This is simple, but important." – Karyl McBride
Be patient, but persistent.
You can do it!
P.S. Where are you in your journey? Right now, what do you need the most to get unstuck? Let me know – just send me an email.
Ellen says
Your article Is most helpful. I have gone through acceptance. My biggest challenge thus far was getting to the point of acceptance, continuing to go back for more rejection over and over until I finally gave up. That took years. The hardest part now is wanting acknowledgement so badly from others. Since it’s such a taboo subject it’s been very hard to get this. My sister looks at me as if I was the problem because she had a very different relationship, although not loving but nowhere near as toxic as mine. Part of the abuse was that my mother turned to my sister as an ally to further try to prove that I was a problem. I have found that limiting contact, and letting go of hopes of a true connection, with my sister is the only choice I can make. She cannot understand as she is not capable of it but it hurts. I continue to work on my healing which will be a lifelong journey. I look forward to feeling better and better over time and put my energy into showing my children the love they need and deserve to thrive as healthy adults. My Dad, who has passed now, helped me. If it were not for him and his acknowledgment of what was happening I would not be as strong as I am today. Thank you for the work that you do!
Irina says
Thank you for your kind words. I’m happy that the article was helpful to you.
Accepting that your mother is unable to love her children is tough, indeed. Having a sister who’s unable to understand how different your relationship with your mother is, is painful, too.
I don’t think we can protect ourselves from this kind of pain, but we can give ourselves the love our mothers couldn’t supply. We can accept and take in the love other people give us – our partners, kids, or other family members. Like the love you received from your father – that was an amazing gift. He was also able to support your sense of reality.
You have achieved a lot, and you are going in the right direction, healing your wounds.
I know from my own experience that when we build a stronger self, we are able to disconnect the external supply of acknowledgement and trust ourselves. Until then, remind yourself that you are good and worthy as you are. And deep inside, you already knew that, right?
Please, take care. 🙂
Karen says
Thank you so much for this writing. It hits home and speaks of why I do what I do. Never understood why I sought acceptance from others relates back to my ice queen mother. As a recovering addict, I continue to look inside knowing it truly is an inside job on every level. I will continue on this journey without her. Set boundaries a long time ago… no contact at all is what has worked best for me. I focus on my children and grandchildren. Will continue the healing, thank you .
Irina says
Thank you for your kind words.
You’ve found your path to healing, stay on it! Let me know if I can assist you in any way. An answered question can sometimes help, too. 🙂
God bless you, your children and grandchildren.
Rosalie says
The grief is compounded because you actually lose your whole family not just your narcissistic mother but also your codependent father and sister who cannot understand why you shut them out. Is there a way to still have a relationship with ones sister who doesnt see that she is starting to threaten and act out like ones mother because you cant trust her not to be invasive and tell mommy what she hears? Can one stop her from developing into a narcissistic? Am I hurting her by pulling away into privacy and thereby triggering her?
Irina says
I’m sorry to hear that you also lost your father and sister as a consequence of going no-contact with your mother. Unfortunately, it happens often because not everyone has the strength and determination say no to an abusive family member, set boundaries and built their life the way they want. You have, so be proud of you! I understand how excruciating your pain must be, but you’re not responsible for the happiness of your father or your sister. The only person that can save your sister is your sister. You can’t help her to see what she doesn’t want or not ready to see. And right now, you need to take care of you and your little family – use your energy for that.
Anonymous says
My parents tracked down where my husband and I live and appeared one day at our doorstep while I was trying to go no contact. Evidently trying to prove Im not out of their grasp. They saw me but I didnt let them in. I just hid in the house. Im in my thirties but felt like a child in hiding. My question is whether to confront them about how they got my address and why they think they can invade my privacy without being invited, or whether to just stay no contact. Will I be setting a boundary by talking to them about it or am I just going to enter into another lost battle?
Irina says
Feeling like a little child is no fun, and it only proves that your relationship with your family is unhealthy. I felt like a little girl around my mom when I was much older than you. I understand that you want to ask your parents all these questions but ask yourself, what is it you expect to hear? Probably not what you would like to. You’re setting a boundary now that is no-contact, stick to it. Stand by your decision and protect your privacy.
Anonymous says
I went away with my husband to have the birth of our first child. My mother and sister freaked out, saying Im devastating the family and other horrific insults. They justified it all by saying they are so worried about me and so badly wanted to be part of it. Did I really hurt them by forcing my privacy? Did they really have a right to be at the birth? Did we really need to explain our reasons for our choices which would have hurt them to hear it? Its been terribly awkward since we returned, I just cant get over their words.
Irina says
As someone said, you can’t set boundaries and take care of another person’s feelings at the same time. You don’t have to explain yourself to your family, especially not if you want to stay no-contact. They just use blame to make you feel guilty and wrong so they can get what they want. Remember that and practice self-compassion. Your path is not easy, but you will make it. 🤗🤓
Sandy Burkett says
Just happened upon your site and am enjoying your articles. Many points are hitting home. One of my biggest struggles is that I am now caring for my mom with Alzheimer’s. On her (what I call LaLa Land days…mostly cognitively absent), I have a loving, kind, grateful Mom. On the days she is more herself, I have the critical, negative, life-long Mom. I pride myself on the introspective, soul journey I am traveling, but can get launched right back into chewing the enamel off of my teeth on a dime when I have “life-long” mom present and she goes into critical mode (particularly with the current pandemic conditions, uncertainty of my business surviving, etc. I look forward to spending some of my Q-Time with your articles. Thanks so much!
Irina says
Welcome to my website! And thank you for letting me know that you find my story and articles helpful – it means a lot to me.
I know what you’re going through because this is the path I traveled with my mom. I understand that you get triggered by your mother’s old behavioral patterns, and how could you not? You have been trained to cope with them life-long, so they are imprinted in your brain structure and get easily activated by the right stimuli.
Here’s what helped me: I perceived myself lucky because mom’s illness granted me an opportunity to see the real her. I believe that the authentic, true core always survives undamaged, intact. It’s hidden deep under the thick layers of self-defense that difficult people built to survive their own childhood drama.
It helped me to see Mom as that scared, lonely, and never good enough little girl who was always to blame because she was the oldest. To survive in a family with two generations of psychologically and mentally disturbed women, she had to behave as a responsible little adult and suppress her own feelings and needs. And when dementia tared down her protective walls, I saw that loving, caring, and kind person who was always inside of her, barely visible because she was afraid to show it.
The difference between our mothers and us is that they didn’t understand or know other ways of living and connecting to people they loved, and therefore they couldn’t change it. But you can. 🤗🤓
Anonymous says
I feel for a few years now I have began acceptance. Although I’ll admit I sometimes think I have an unhealthy obsession with learning all the ins and outs of maternal narcissism. Except for a few weeks moments where I’ll attempt a conversation with her and then feel hurt after, I’ve largely come to accept and predict all of her behavior and responses. I have really been perfecting the grey rock method.
For the last 2 years I have felt stuck in the anger part of grief. Often I am so angry at my mother. Each time she hurts me (although it is much much less often with the grey rocking) I feel immense anger at both her and myself and this is often followed by severe depression.
How do I begin to move past the anger and depression? Does this mean I still have many memories to process? I am actually missing large parts of my childhood and I realized I have very few actual memories with HER in them prior to 12 years old.
Please advise as to how I can move forward.
Irina says
I’m sorry you are still hurting. The thing is, there are many layers in a complicated, abusive relationship that we have to work with, one by one. It’s normal to feel anger, and not remembering much of your childhood is a sign of attachment trauma. Until I was 50, my childhood memories have been fragmented and scant; I barely recalled anything good Mom and I did together. After the healing progressed, the memories began to return, and mostly the good ones; I didn’t even know I had them.
You say you know exactly what your mother will say and do, and that’s great because you can prepare yourself in advance. That’s important that you, too, know exactly how to respond (not react!) to her. If you didn’t try my boundaries course, please do – you will find many examples of possible replies to your mother and more.
As to your anger, it usually covers over other complex feelings. You have to figure out what they are and work with them. The grief of not having a mother you want her to be has to be processed, too, and with some, it may take longer than with others. I will recommend working with a therapist, coach, or mentor. I have a course for daughters of difficult mothers that will give your more ideas about the healing process.
Let me hear if I can be of any assistance. Please, take care of yourself.
Erin says
Great article. I’m at acceptance again, but past depression. I am trying to do something better with myself to break the generational legacies. I am reparenting myself, healing my mother wound with specialized therapy and have an excellent relationship with my two young adult daughters and teen son, and granddaughter. It stopped with me
Irina says
Healing is possible, yes! Stay on this path 💕
Fran says
I’m only now becoming clear of what I have wanted to avoid all my life: indeed the dream of having a healthy relationship with my mom will never be. I’m in therapy and there are so many emotions coming up and I am finally allowing them to be felt.
Your article helped me greatly as I was searching for information on how to grieve a dysfunctional family: a narcissistic mother and a co-dependent father. People around think the world of them and the “secret” of what life really is, is hard to let go without feeling shame and guilt.
Connecting with me with compassion and love is developing daily … I am still dancing from one step to another of grieving reality and allowing complete acceptance.
I am getting there. I’m already starting to feel the freedom through this journey.