Mom’s birthday is in two days. She would have turned 83. She passed away a couple of years ago, and every year I miss her more and more.

“How can you miss your mother after everything she has done to you?” the angry customer exclaimed. She went through the stage of hatred for her mother, rejecting everything in her. I smiled because I might have asked the same question ten years ago with the same anger and resentment.

But here I am, humble and tearful, with warm memories, looking at my mother’s favorite peonies in our garden – they always bloom to celebrate this day. I sit on the edge of the bed, thinking of Mom and our journey together – a kind of meditative state that naturally comes to us when we are focused. There, amid this gap in time, I realize something important. Was that a message? I don’t know, but here it is.

Parents with whom we had conflicting, complex relationships based on love and hate, exiting this world, leave us to deal with any feelings we had for them on our own. Their departure will not untie the tight tangle of emotions in your chest or dispel the clouds in your thoughts, automatically bringing you peace.

After the last dance

More often than not, what we have left with is determined by the last theme we played together in this relationship. Whether it’s a loud minor chord, more a cacophony of sounds than a melody, really, then we find ourselves listening to the scattered sounds of emotional discord. Many of my clients have plunged into a deep, dark place called depression after the death took her tormentor away, and the relationship remained unresolved. It takes a long and emotional road to come to terms with this situation. 

But when the last theme was forgiveness emanating from a place of kindness and love – the most harmonious chords created in Haven, we are left with sadness but no pain, and most of our memories are touched by love and gratitude. 

When we manage to reach a difficult person from this place of high vulnerability, kindness, and mature strength, they also may find this place of love and connect with you from there. Everyone has this place, although not everyone can see it until it’s too late.

Please don’t give up; she won’t be here forever. Despite the signs to the contrary, she loves you in her own, maybe wicked, spiteful way. You see, she’s scared because she feels the approach of eternity, and she has so many regrets, sorrows, and pains that she doesn’t know how to deal with, other than hiding it behind acting out and anger.

Take care of yourself first. Only when you are strong enough and that little child inside you not screaming anymore, confident in her safety and well-being; then try.

Important!

Maybe it won’t work; not everyone can connect with their inner place of love; she may not even be able to love herself. At least you tried, and there will be peace in your heart the day she crosses over to the other side. But a miracle can happen, and she will reach back to you, and together, you will create new strong memories of compassion, forgiveness, and love. Memories you will cherish for the rest of your days.

P.S. 

I long for my mom’s happy smile as she recognized me, the all-consuming love emanated from her tiny, weak body – I didn’t even know she had such strong positive feelings. I could still wish that things were different between us, that I could change more in the past, but I’m at peace. You can be too.

More relevant reading:

An Open Letter to a Narcissistic Mother (Or the Evolution of Forgiveness)

Interview with a Relationship Therapist Dr. Claudia Luciak-Donsberger

The Unexpected Impact of Growing Up with a Difficult Mother

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